5 Magic Hours

 Family Friday

I try to be nothing if not practical, so when I first heard about a tried and true, “here, do this” approach to making marriage better, I was immediately interested.  With some help from Dumbledore, psychologist John Gottman[1] developed the “Five Magic Hours”[2] approach to cultivating intimacy in your marriage.  In an earlier blog post, I explained how intimacy leads to passion.  These two rest on the willful decision to commit.  Together (intimacy, passion, and commitment) form the trifecta of a lasting, loving relationship.

The five magic hours can’t be done all at one or stockpiled in January so as to avoid contact throughout the rest of the year.  They are spread out over a seven-day period, resulting in five magical[3] hours per week applied toward your goal of wedded bliss.  Why? Because no good relationship will “just happen” without an intentional decision to spend meaningful time together.  Gottman suggests you do it this way:

Parting

Before you head out the door, take 2 minutes to find out one interesting event that will happen in your spouses’ day.

 2 minutes x 5 days = 10 min

Reunion

When you come home, each of you gets 10 minutes of undivided attention[4] from your spouse.  Unwind, decompress, talk about your day.  At this point, it’s always better to start with the things that went right that day.  Beginning your home time with a rehash of all that went wrong today (which, if we’re honest, is probably what most of us do) unconsciously lowers your mood for the rest of the evening.  Don’t judge, criticize, or give advice.  Just listen.

 20 minutes x 5 days = 1hr, 40 min

Appreciation & Admiration

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  That’s great, but what if we took 5 minutes every day to tell our spouse how they hang our moon?[5]  Women: remember that your husband originally fell in love with you because you were impressed with all the little things he did.  He flexed his muscles to excite you into being his life-long cheerleader.  Our fragile egos will forever need a life-long cheerleader.[6]

 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes

Affection

Hold, pet, kiss, grab, touch.  Remain playful, surprising, and spontaneous.  Don’t let a day go by without making physical contact with your partner.

 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes

Date Each Other

Don’t stop dating.  Never stop dating.  Set aside 2 hrs per week to spend together.  Before you say that you can’t do that, remember: you spend 40+ hrs per week working and 10-20 hrs per week watching reality TV.  Giving 2 hrs directly to the one you’re forever committed to is a wise investment. Don’t talk about the kids.  Don’t do chores.  Don’t argue, run errands, or take a nap.  Talk, play, and interact.

  2 hrs

No Pumpkin Juice

That’s it.  Finding 5 magical hours to enchant your marriage is sure to help you live happily ever after in a land far, far away. Maybe not, but it will do wonders for your relationship.  It comes down to a matter of priorities.  If you’re not willing to prioritize your marriage by giving intentional time to your mate, no counselor or therapist will be able to give you magical pumpkin juice or a one-stop pill.  Marriage is glorious, but it’s hard.

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[1] http://gottman.com/51326/Dr-John-Gottman.html

[2] No phoenixes were harmed nor commandments violated in the gathering of this research.

[3] I couldn’t produce any good synonym for magical, so fundamental Christians will have to extend me grace.

[4] The term “undivided attention” is defined on a sliding scale that changes in proportion to the amount of children still living at home.

[5] You need not make a science project out of finding good things to say.  Simple compliments or observations of good deeds done go a long way.

[6] It’s well documented: more affairs start because a member of the opposite sex met our need for intimacy—not passion.  Don’t assume great sex, awesome cooking, and a full bank account will forever seal a marriage bond.  We all want to be known and appreciated.

Raising a Modern-day Knight

Family Friday 

Have you ever wondered, “How will a boy know when he has become a man?”[1]  Whether you consciously think through the answer or not, it’s an important question.  If a boy doesn’t know when he’s arrived at manhood, he’ll never know what he’s supposed to do once he gets there.

Is it when he turns 18?  When he gets a job?  Joins the military?  Takes a woman to bed?  None of those provide a one-size-fits-all cutoff for manhood.  In American culture especially, that poses a problem.  When we don’t lay out clear expectations for a transition to manhood, we’re left with a generation full of nothing more than boys who can shave.

Adam vs. Adam

The two most prominent men in the Bible are Adam and Jesus.  Paul compares these two men to give us an example of what right looks like.  He calls the Adam of Genesis “the first Adam” and Jesus Christ “the last Adam.”  He basically sets up a “there are two kinds of men in the world” argument.  Those who pattern after the first Adam ultimately die, while those who follow the Second Adam win (1 Cor 15.22).[2]

What’s that look like on the ground?  Comparing Adam’s behavior in the Garden to Jesus’ approach to life gives us a good picture of what a man is supposed to look like.  Based on a quick reading of Gen 2.15-17, it looks like God placed Adam in Eden with three responsibilities: he has a will to obey (don’t eat the fruit), a work to do (cultivate the garden), and a woman to love (Eve).  This is what every man is put on earth to do.

Will to Obey

Solomon lived most of his life chasing women, building wealth, and cultivating knowledge.  However, near the end of his life he wrote: “Remember your Creator in the days of your youth.”[3]   Solomon’s dilemma was the same one faced by so many men today.  They never learn (or accept) the wisdom of having a will greater than their own.  Consequently, men live life without moral restraint only to “arrive”[4] and discover they have produced nothing of consequence.  As James Dobson put it, they “…climb the ladder of success only to find it’s leaning against the wrong building.”

How do you help your son avoid this?  By teaching him the wisdom in obeying God’s will.  He must learn what Christ learned: nourishment comes from doing the will of God (Jn 4.34).  Adam had the entire garden at his disposal but gave it up by failing to obey God’s will.  Jesus had the entire world on his shoulders, but stood tall because it was what He came to do (Mt 26.42).

So what?  Parents must teach their children to constantly ask one simple question: “What is the right thing to do?” (not: what is prudent, what feels good, or even what is the most practical)

Work to Do

The best gift we can give God is our own life fully lived.  God gifted your son in a way that makes him unique from everyone else (1 Pet 4.10).  It’s your job to help him figure out what those gifts are and then encourage him to pursue them for the glory of God.  To be clear: it’s NOT your job to teach him your design, your plans, and your ambition for his life.  God’s knows your boy better than you do.

How do you do that?  Expose him to a variety of experiences as a child: sports, the arts, multiple subjects and academic disciplines, etc.  Then encourage him by having an active interest in the areas he chooses for himself.

It’s not enough to stop there though.  We must impress on our sons their two-fold responsibility when it comes to work.  Men work to provide (1 Tim 5.8), and men work to build the Kingdom (2 Tim 2.15).  Our boys can’t see us do either one at the expense of the other.  So, he watches Dad take his place at the church AND he sees Dad faithfully lace up his boots and go to work every day.  Being too busy for Kingdom responsibilities or calling in sick to lead five weekly Bible studies is a failure either way.

Woman to Love

When the serpent showed up to tempt Eve, we’d expect to see her husband come running with a garden hoe ready to cut the thing’s head off.  We all know that’s not what happened though.  Instead, Adam adopted what may be one of the most non-manly character traits possible: passivity.  He became passive, idly standing by while she swallowed the hook (Gen 3.6).  

Is anything different today?  How many men “tune out” the minute they walk in the door?  They become passive participants in their family’s affairs, confident that a paycheck is all they need from him.[5]

Jesus, on the other hand, came running when sin tempted his bride.  As Lewis put it: “[Jesus] refused to do nothing when sin encroached upon the created order.  He was spiritually and socially aggressive.”[6]  The Bible patterns relationships in the home after the structure of the church.

Ephesians 5:23 (NLT)
²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church...

To avoid any confusion (and reject all forms of male passivity), Paul makes clear the man’s role in all of this:

Ephesians 5:25 (NLT)
²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her

In real life, this means your son learns from you, dad, what it means to sacrificially love a woman in a way that puts his needs and desires second to hers.  Seize teachable moments as life happens in your home; actively instruct him in the way real men love, honor, protect, and provide for their wives.

Home is where life makes up its mind.  So, when the time comes for your son to decide what kind of man he will be, the one he saw living under your roof will have the greatest impact.  Show him what right looks like.

Chime In

How do you define manhood in your family?

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[1] This series is, in many ways, a summary of the outstanding book: “Raising a Modern-day Knight,” by Robert Lewis (Tyndale, 1997).  Much of the material is adapted (fancy for ‘plagiarized’) straight from his work.

[2] I want my sons to be winners, but I’m not going to name them “Walker” and “Texas Ranger.”

[3] (Ecc 12.1; see also vv. 13-14)

[4] Whatever that means

[5] There is no shortage of government aid programs to make sure families have food and housing.  If your entire role as father could be replaced by a welfare check and some food stamps, you need to reevaluate what it means to be called, “Dad.”

[6] Lewis, p54.