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Real Marriage: Week 4 of 8
Intro
· Men! This week is for you.
· When a business, sports team, military unit, etc. fails, who bears responsibility?
o The CEO, the coach, the CDR.
o Why? b/c they’re the head!
· When Adam & Eve sinned in the garden, who sinned first? Eve.
o Who does God call for? Adam.
o “Because of the MAN’s sin, the whole race fell.” (Rom 5.12-21)
· What does this mean for us, men?
o That our wife’s and our family’s welfare is our responsibility!
· The Bible says: that the woman is the glory of the man. (1 Cor 11.17)
· You men—husbands especially—need to know that we will stand before God to give an account
o If we’re blessed enough to be husband, we will also give an account for our wife.
o If we’re blessed enough to be fathers, we will also give an account for our children.
· This is what the Bible means when it says, “head.”
· So, men, if your wife and/or children fail at godliness, you will give an account for that!
o Yes, they will too. But, YOU, answer for your family as the head.
· Eph 5.22-33 (NLT)
Marriage is Covenantal
· It is NOT contractual
o The worst example of a contractual wedding is the prenuptial agreement
· The Bible is full of covenant language—not contractual!
o The Bible is divided in two covenants (OT/OC and NT/NC)
· It uses covenant to describe our salvation
o It also uses covenant to describe marriage (Prov 2.17; Mal 2.14)
· Covenant: “hesed”
o The Jesus Storybook Bible: “a never-stopping, never-giving-up, always and forever, love”
· Men: you are the covenant head.
Covenant vs Contract
· Contract is about me negotiating terms that benefit me
o Covenant is about me giving up of myself for your behalf
o Contract is about my benefit; Covenant is about yours
· When people divorce saying, “Well, God wants me to be happy…”
o They’re thinking contractually
· Covenant language says, “God wants ME to be all that YOU need me to be.”
o This is the difference between selfish and servant-hood
· As Jesus loves and died for the church,
o so the man is supposed to love and sacrifice of himself for his wife
· So men, to be the head is NOT to be the boss!
o It’s to be the head
· Think about how this relates to Jesus:
o The Bible says that Jesus’ bride is the church
§ So, all Christians are the bride of Christ
· Some of you men would say, “Well, I have a very difficult wife!”
o Not as difficult as Jesus’ wife!
· Look at what Jesus did for his difficult wife, and see what you’re supposed to do for your bride:
o Cherish her, nourish her, love her, adore her, provide for and protect her
· The bottom line:
o Your wife is your garden. If you don’t like the way the garden looks, YOU are the gardener
§ A gardener protects his garden from weeds and nourishes it with what it needs
o Take care of your garden the way Jesus took care of the church
o Pursue her! Love her! Give her all that she needs to be a beautiful garden.
We Don’t Vote
· This does not mean that you’re to leave today, go read all the opposing literature, check out the feminist perspective, gather your friends together, take a vote, and then maybe decide that you’re the head
o This says that you ARE the head. Men—there’s no getting out of that!
· The Bible says that Jesus IS the head of the church and that the husband IS the head of the marriage.
o We’re not going to take a vote today to decide whether Jesus is the head of the church, so neither would we vote to see if men are the head of the marriage covenant.
· We get into all kinds of trouble when God commands something, and then we go study or vote to decide if we’ll obey it
o 1. That’s sin.
§ It’s a sin to know what you’re supposed to do and not do it. (James 4.17)
o 2. That’s silly.
§ God designed you, your wife, marriage, and covenant. He knows how it works best.
§ Why would we try to outsmart Him or double check His work?
· The question is not, “Is the man responsible?”
o That question is already answered.
o Yes. He is. Yes. You are!
· The question is, “How is the man doing?”
· So, men, how are you doing?
o Are you providing? (Not just financially; though that is important)
o But also providing emotionally, spiritually?
· Men, if you’re not doing a good job being responsible for your family, you can change today.
· The essence of masculinity is taking responsibility.
o It is not how much beer you can drink, meat you can eat, or how loud you can burp.
o A monkey can do all those things!
· You may not be big or able to win a cage match.
o There are men who drive trucks, shoot guns, and beat women. They’re not men!
o There are other men who drive hybrids and take wonderful care of their families. They’re men!
Jesus
· The wonderful gospel is:
o God comes to the earth—as a man—Jesus Christ.
o He came to earth, lived a SINLESS (!) life, and still paid the price for sin!
o Why did he do that?
§ For our sin!
§ The wage for sin is death, and we all should die for it.
· But, Jesus took that which was not his fault, and he made it his responsibility.
o See where I’m going with this, men?
· Jesus is not just the God-man; he’s the perfect man!
o He’s taking RESPONSIBILITY for me!
· Is it my fault that I sin, or is it Jesus’ fault?
o It’s mine. I can’t blame him by saying, “Look at what you made me do, Jesus!”
· But still, Jesus goes to the cross for me.
o That is the essence of masculinity!
· This is what men are to do for their children and their wives.
o A man takes his family’s needs, hurts, hang-ups, questions, etc. and makes them all his responsibility!
o That is what Jesus did, and that is the essence of masculinity!
Four Responsibilities for Men
1. Be a Christian
a. If you’re here today trying to fix your marriage and you don’t know Jesus,
i. JESUS is your first responsibility
2. Be a great spouse
a. Husband to your wife; wife to your husband.
3. Be a great parent
a. If you invert these, you will destroy your children and your marriage.
4. Be a good worker
a. In the home and outside the home
Your Identity
· Go in this order to find your identity!
· Most men do this backwards, don’t we?
o We go to our work for identity.
§ “Tell me about yourself:”
· “Well, I’m a truck driver, teacher, pastor, banker, etc.”
· No! First, you’re a Christian.
o Get your identity from who Jesus says you are!
§ He says you’re a loved, saved, forgiven, adopted member of God’s family.
§ Then, he says you’re a husband!
· Many man will say, “I DO take responsibility! I pay the bills; I go to work.”
o Then, you pass off all of your family’s other needs onto others!
o My wife is sad/upset? Well, I’ll find a good women’s ministry for her.
§ What about YOU, men? Where are YOU?
o Your kid is upset? Well, we better hire a good children’s pastor.
§ What about YOU?
· Men: it is not the church’s or the government’s responsibility to provide for your family.
o It’s yours! When Eve sinned in the garden, God came looking for Adam!
· If what you provide for your family could be replaced by a gov’t check, you are failing.
o But, YOU are still responsible.
o Men: we have to get our priorities in order!
· Eph 6: fathers, train your children in the admonition of the Lord.
o 1 Cor 14: Wives, if you have a Bible question, go ask your husband.
o If you’re a husband and you don’t know, go find out!
o You are the pastor of your home!
· I say this not as a duty, but as a delight!
o You want your kids coming to YOU, so that you can say to your wife and kids:
o “I love you! I am here for you! You come first! Jesus sent me to you! And, I’m going to do the job well!”
Adolescence
· Culture encourages men NOT to do this.
· It encourages men to postpone their responsibility as long as possible
o We have boys who can shave
§ Guys: if you wanna see a woman naked, get a job, get married, and then ask your wife to get naked for you!
· The benefit: you get to touch that one!
o Cultural adolescence encourages:
§ Take advantage of women, sleep with as many as you can
§ Push your responsibilities off on your parents:
§ Hey, mom: can I borrow the car? (at 16, 23, 33, 43)
· Then your mom gets sick of you, and you find a stupid girl with no discernment looking for a loser she can provide for while you play Xbox all day long.
· Men: Take responsibility for yourself!
o Get a job, take responsibility for your company
o Get married, take responsibility for your wife
o Have kids, take responsibility for your kids
· This means you may not have much time for hobbies—for a long time!
o Don’t try to make your responsibilities fit in around your priorities
o Make sure your responsibilities ARE your priorities
The Essence of Masculinity
· Be Like Jesus—THE MAN who epitomized responsibility
o How did he do this?
· By being tough and tender.
o He was very tough when he needed to be:
§ dealing with religious jerks, telling the truth on trial, dying on a cross
o He was tender when he needed to be:
§ healing sick, forgiving broken people, holding kids
· Can watching Cinderella and going ice skating be masculine?
o It depends. Who are you doing this with?
o Hank and the guys at the jobsite? No.
o Your daughters? Yes.
· The point: You can be tough FOR your family and tender WITH your family.
Here, Do This
a. GET INVOLVED!
b. Men: YOU pick the church.
i. Too often women pick the church and men want nothing to do with it.
1. It has a great women’s Bible study!
a. OK, but if that’s it, your husband is going to choose football every time
ii. Men often pick a church by judging the pastor.
1. Is he a real dude that I can relate to and am able to follow?
iii. Wives: let your husband do that.
2. Worship at home together
a. Pray together. If you don’t know “how to pray,” then pray badly! And then learn!
3. Work with your wife to make an intentional family schedule
a. Dinner together
b. Quality time as a couple, and as a family (Mesaeh Monday)
4. Ask your wife how you’re doing.
a. Men: you are the head.
b. Your wife is the referee.
i. If she says you’re not tender enough, then you’re not tender enough.
ii. If she says you’re not spending quality time with the kids, then you’re not!
Conclusion
Love & Respect
· Start with you, men!
· God commands this b/c if he didn’t, we wait until we felt like it.
· The crazy cycle: husband responds unlovingly when wives act disrespectful.
o This is repeated until one of the spouses just embraces Eph 5 and does the right thing.
· This is NOT an excuse for wives to be disrespectful (we talk to her next week)
o But, it is one final reminder to the men: as the leader, YOU go first.
o That’s what leaders do.