Five Love Languages: Here, Try This

Family Friday

Last week I told you to the key to a great relationship is becoming bilingual.  This post is a practical, “Here, try this…” guide to trying out your new skills.[1] Christian psychologist and researcher Gary Chapman has spent over 30 years working with couples, and he’s discovered five primary ways men and women give and receive love.  He calls them love languages, and you shouldn’t attempt marriage without them!

1.     Words of Affirmation

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  That may be pushing the limits, but his point is clear: approval from those around us is a powerful thing.  Unfortunately, many couples never learn the power of a well-placed compliment.  In any marriage, it is always important to occasionally remind our spouse, "I want you to know I don't take you for granted.”  But, if you’re married to someone who has words of affirmation as his/her primary love language, that phrase puts wind in their sails! There are various dialects of this love language, so it’s up to you to figure out which one means the most to your spouse.  Here are a few examples of affirming speech:

• Words of encouragement: I believe in you.  I know you can do this.  If anyone’s able, it’s you.
• Compliments & praise: You look awesome in that suit.  Your hair is nice.  Your speech was fantastic!
• Gratitude: Thank you for mowing the grass.  Being your husband is a blessing.  I appreciate you so much.

Try This:

• Keep a notebook:
  • (1) As you watch TV, read, listen to music, etc. jot down ideas, lyrics, specific compliments or encouraging words that you’d like to share with your spouse.  This way, you’ll always have a bank of powerful things to say that would lift their spirits or put an extra bounce in their step.
  • (2) Write down every time you compliment or praise your spouse.  At the end of the week, show her the paper as one more reminder of all the ways you’ve appreciated her that week.
• Be specific with your words.  Find ways to compliment or affirm your partner in a way so precise that they’ll know you’ve put thought and care into what you’re saying.
• Compliment in public—especially around peers, friends, coworkers, and/or family members.
• Compliment indirectly (when you’re not in his presence).  This way, when your words make their way back to your spouse, he’ll feel doubly blessed to know you’ve been “talking him up” to others.
• Do it in writing so it can be read over and over.

2.     Quality Time

Time is our most important resource because we can never make more of it.  When you give your husband/wife your time, you’re giving them a part of yourself you’ll never get back.  This speaks volumes to someone with quality time as her/his love language.  It’s important to understand, however, that quality time spent together does not mean proximity.  Simply being in the same house, room, or car does not constitute quality time[2]. Quality time means giving your undivided attention (turn off the TV!) to your wife/husband.  This communicates to her/him: “of all the things I could be doing right now, I’ve bypassed them all to spend time with you.”  This can be hard with so many gadgets, people, books, chores and varieties of bacon fighting for your attention.  You probably have some technology you’ll have to do without during this time. At our house, this means not answering the phone during dinner, eating our meals at the table—together, leaving our cell phone in the other room, and turning the TV off during conversations.

Try This:

• Talk to each other by asking open-ended questions
• Find a set of hobbies you could do together
• Share “fun work” (gardening, yard work, cooking, etc.)
• Ask your spouse what quality time means to him/her

3.     Receiving Gifts

If receiving gifts is your spouse’s love language, don’t assume money is the issue.  Money isn’t the issue, and you’re not “buying your husband’s love.”  But, you are giving tangible gestures that symbolize your love in a way that is extremely powerful.  Symbols carry an emotional value (just think of your wedding ring); every time your spouse looks at the gifts you gave her, she is reminded that you thought of her AND took the time to follow through on those thoughts by getting a gift. If this is your spouse’s language, learn a craft, plant a flower bed, take up calligraphy, stock up on cards, etc.  Just take the time to reflect on what he/she values and then find a way to tangibly present them with symbols of your interest.  Gifts given to your spouse are the best investment you can make; you’re investing in the person you’ll be with for the rest of your life!

Try This:

• If you travel often, make it a habit not to come home empty-handed.  Stop on the side of the road to pick a flower, bring a card, or start a tradition of bringing home a rock from everywhere you travel.  It need not be big nor expensive—just heart-felt.
• Ask family members or close friends for ideas on what they’d like or an item they’ve been talking about lately.
• Keep a notebook of items you’ve observed them noticing or commenting on.
• Space it out!  Most spouses would value twelve small gifts spaced out over a year rather than one big gift (think one rose given every month rather than a dozen given only once).
• Find out if your spouse would prefer practical gifts or symbolic/decorative ones.  Be sure you’re catering to their preferences, not yours.

4.     Acts of Service

This one is pretty simple: doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.  Any chore or act of service—if done willingly and with a positive spirit—can be an act of love.  Many men may default into showing love this way simply because it’s what we’re most comfortable with.  It's in the male psyche to want something to do, fix, solve, or create.  If this is your wife’s primary language, great!  If not, you don’t have to stop showing love through your work, but you do need to adapt and learn to speak the language she prefers. Whether you’re the husband or the wife, if this is your love language, don't be afraid to ask for what you want.  Allowing your emotional needs to be neglected because you feel too guilty to “ask for favors” only does more harm to your marriage in the long run.  Acts of service can be as simple as making a cup of coffee, taking out the trash, or cleaning up after dinner.

Try This:

• Ask your spouse to make a list (honey-do list, to-do list, whatever).  At the top of the list write, "If you did these things, I would feel loved.”  Then ask your spouse to fill in the rest.  (Then do the things on the list)
• Observe your spouse’s routine and try to determine which tasks you could take off his plate.  Surprise him by having them done before he gets around to it.

5.     Physical Touch

The body is for touching.  Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love--especially within a marriage.  The way we apply physical touch can make or break a relationship.  It can communicate either hate or love.  If physical touch is your spouse’s language, ask her how she’d like you to make use of this gift.  In all five languages, your spouse is the best source for learning what works and what won't work. Of our five senses, touch is the only one not limited to one localized area.  The whole body can become a canvas for communicating love.  Sexual intercourse can be a powerful dialect, but it is only one dialect of many in this language.  Don’t neglect: holding hands, playing with each other’s hair, kissing, hugging, back rubs, footsie under the table, etc.

Try This:

• Touch in public.  It communicates: "Even with all of these people here, you are the one I choose to touch."
• Learn to be a good masseur/masseuse.  (take a class or read a book)
• Initiate sex by starting with a foot massage and working your way around the entire body
• Never leave for the day without a goodbye kiss.  Make a habit of kissing whenever you come home as well.

Conclusion

The bottom line: everyone performs better at life when our love tank is full.  Learn to speak your spouse’s love language in a way that zeroes in on their deepest desires.  You’ll never get what you want out of marriage by depriving your spouse of what they want, so learn to give him/her goose bumps again!

Chime In

What do you do to speak your mate’s love language?  

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[1] You know, nun chuck skills, cage-fighting skills, computer hacker skills, etc.

[2] However, being in the same bathtub does, if their love language is physical touch.

 Family Friday

Love Languages: Which One do You Speak?

Have you ever tried to speak to someone who didn’t know English?  Maybe you were in a foreign country or on the phone with someone working overseas?  It didn’t matter how hard you tried, how sincere your intentions were, or how loud you raised your voice, the other person just couldn’t understand what you were saying.  And, that wasn’t going to change until one of you learned another language. Being married can be a lot like that (although, hopefully not as frustrating).  Everyone experiences love in an entirely different way—sometimes so differently that it’s as if we’re married to someone from another country.  And, until you learn to speak their “love language,” you’ll forever frustrate your efforts to show him/her true love.

Step One

The first step to loving your partner is learning another language.  You don’t have to learn Spanish or Italian[1], but you do have to learn the love language spoken by your spouse.  Being sincere isn’t enough if you’re not saying or doing the things your wife or husband values most.  Some husbands buy their wives gifts to show love (because that’s what they’d appreciate) when she’d prefer quality time with him.  Then they’re twice as frustrated when they’re broke AND the wife still feels unloved.  Or, a wife may do little acts of service for her husband (again, because she’d be thrilled if he washed the dishes for her), but what he really values is a good compliment[2] or word of affirmation. Frustrating?  Absolutely.  Easy to overcome?  Yes…if you’re willing to do the work.  Next week I’ll break down all five “love languages” and give you some easy steps for trying out your new linguistic skills.  For now, I want to give you a few pointers for figuring out which language you speak. Here they are, the Five Love Languages[3]:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

What’s Your Language?

Men: before you decide that physical touch is your language, hold on.  Virtually all men like sex[4], but that doesn’t mean it’s their primary language.  If you do not enjoy physical touch at other times—in nonsexual ways—it’s probably not your love language.  The love language is what makes you feel most loved by your spouse.

Chapman suggests three questions for discovering your language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply?
   1. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse?
   1. The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
   1. Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.^[5]

  Answer those three questions in light of the five languages defined above.  Then, ask your spouse to answer them.

Step two:

Come back next week to get practical suggestions for trying out your new skills.

Chime In

What is Your Love Language?  

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[1] Husbands: whispering a few romantic phrases in Italian or French might score you a couple points on the love-o-meter.

[2] Wives: even if your husband’s primary love language is not “Words of Affirmation,” never underestimate the power a well-placed compliment can have on a guy!

[3] These come from the bestselling book by Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992)

[4] I think there are 3 who don’t.

^[5] Gary D. Chapman, The Five Love Languages, 138-39 (Chicago: Northfield Pub., 1992).

Lost that Loving Feeling?

Family Friday

Lost that Loving Feeling?

Last week we defined love as a three-sided triangle (passion, intimacy, and commitment).  We usually judge the love in our relationship by looking at only one leg of the triangle.  If the passion is gone, we assume we’ve “fallen out of love.”  But, the good news is: we still have other pieces of the triangle. Intimacy steps up to keep things warm if passion is running dry, and there’s the old-fashioned, grownup word “commitment” to help us “stick it out” when things are really rough.  But, nobody wants to live like that forever.  Marriage without passion is boring; love without intimacy is shallow.[1] So, what happens to love after the wedding?  Everybody has asked themselves that question at some point.  We start singing the Righteous Brothers’ tune “Lost that Loving Feeling” and worry that our marriage is going to end up as another statistic.[2]  Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Dorothy Tennov says most couples “fall out of the love obsession” after two years of marriage.  Then what?  For those committed to not being another statistic, are they doomed to a lifetime of misery and loneliness? For many that answer is yes.  They fall out of love, feel resentful and trapped, and end up hating the next 40 years of their life.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  Marriage—every marriage—has the potential to be glorious…if you’re willing to do the hard work.  The truth is this: love is a choice much more than it is a feeling.  We all want to feel love, but few are willing to do the things required to generate the feelings.

Feelings Lie

And, this is where most marriages go wrong.  We wait (and wait and wait and wait…) for the feelings to be right before we act in a loving way to our spouse.  In reality though, our minds work the opposite: It is much easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action.   There is no end to the ways you can act your way into a feeling; I’ll be discussing all kinds of fun things over the weeks to come.  But, it will always come down to this: Are you willing to deny yourself for the sake of your marriage? If your marriage isn’t what you’d like it to be now, I challenge YOU to be the hero of your relationship[3], lay down your demands, and embrace the selfless teachings of Jesus.  Love your husband or wife the way they need to be loved before you feel like it.  Be a catalyst for change.  You will never get what you need by denying your spouse what they need. If your marriage is already great, good for you!  Do me two favors: (1) Share your secret with us, and (2) Keep reading anyway.  Every marriage can get better!

Chime In

How have you and your spouse worked to regain that loving feeling?

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[1] And, homes without bacon are boring.

[2] Currently, 40% of first-time marriages end in divorce.  That jumps to 60% with 2^nd marriages and 75% with 3^rd time.

[3] For a great book on being the hero to save your marriage, check out: Janssen, Al. The Marriage Masterpiece: A Bold New Vision for Your Marriage. Colorado Springs: Focus, 2001.

Family Friday

The Love Triangle

When couples come to my office for marriage counseling[1], one of the phrases I hear most often is, “I just don’t love her/him anymore.” When Hannah and I endured what we now refer to as the “black hole” of our relationship, few days went by when we didn’t say those very words to each other. But, whether you asked the Black Hole Era Mesaehs or any couple sitting in my office, “What’s love supposed to look like?” the answer you’ll usually get is, “I don’t know, but this ain’t it.”[2]

What does love look like?

So, if we don’t know what love looks like, how can we know if we “have it?” One psychologist developed the “triangular model[3]” of love to help us understand that lovin’ feeling. He says love is made up of the three components:

Passion

Young love is a flame; very pretty, very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.
–Henry Ward Beecher

Passion is the raw, sensual, biological side of love. It makes our hair stand up, spine tingle, and motivates us to always have fresh breath whenever our mate is around. Passion is hot, physical, and often leads to sex[4]. Sex is God’s intended target for the passionate side of this triangle. Song of Solomon (the Bible’s manual for a passionate marriage) opens up with all passions roaring:

Song of Solomon 1:2 (NLT)
²Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.

However, passion turns immature and self-seeking if it is not linked with intimacy.

Intimacy

Intimacy is all about emotions. When you have it, home feels warm. It produces friendship, companionship, closeness, and the ability to really know someone. Couples who lack intimacy are unable to communicate, and they often feel like two strangers living in the same house. This can become a two-edged sword, because the best way to cultivate intimacy is to spend time talking, playing[5], planning, and simply “doing life” together. What’s intimacy look like in the Bible?

Genesis 2:24–25 (NLT)
²⁴ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. ²⁵ Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Commitment

Commitment is the grown-up, thinking, willful side of love. It says, “I love you—not because of how you make me feel—but because I choose to love you.” Commitment banks on a future that’s not here yet. It’s the side of the triangle that endures a relationship’s cold seasons. In short, it’s the reason we know our mate will stay even when our breath isn’t minty fresh[6]. Jesus says it clearly:

Mark 10:9 (NLT)
⁹ let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Sloppy Triangles

So, when a couple says they no longer “feel in love,” it’s most often because they don’t talk anymore, he’s stopped buying her flowers, she stopped brushing her teeth, or either one of them forgot what it means to pinky swear your way into a forever-obligation. The triangle hasn’t disappeared, it’s just become sloppy. The sides are uneven. We assume we’ve “fallen out of love” (quite possibly the phrase most destructive to the gift of marriage), when really we’re just judging the whole triangle by one broken leg.

• Love without passion is companionship at best, dry at worst. You can get the same thing from a golden retriever[7].


• Love without intimacy is shallow and foolish. Intimacy provides stabilizing knowledge that you can’t get any other way.


• Love without commitment is immature and “hopelessly romantic.” NBC made an entire show about it in the 90s: Friends.

All relationships go through stages where one leg is shorter than the other. Stages of life change, so our marriages adapt to carry us through. Commitment comes along to say, “I’m staying with you for better or for worse.” Intimacy provides a friend when all other friends disappear. Passion motivates us to develop intimacy and commit to a life-long partnership.

Going the Distance

What’s the key to a marriage that goes the distance? Not basing your love on a sloppy triangle. When passions run low, use that time to cultivate intimacy—get to know each other on an even deeper level. When conversations seem shallow or communication is difficult, rely on the glue of commitment to carry you through.[8]

Only then will you be able to say: “We’ve put a lot of miles on this marriage. It has been exasperating, elating, horrible, wonderful, shackling, freeing. It has been our single most intimate source of conflict and of joy. Still, it has so much to offer.”[9]

Chime In

What’s your definition of love?

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[1] Or, “relationship enhancement” for the Type A readers.

[2] Yes, I know ain’t ain’t a word, but everybody uses it. If my high school grammar teacher is reading this from heaven, I’m sorry.

[3] Robert Sternberg, “A triangular Theory of Love,” Psychological Review 93 (1986): 119-35.

[4] Which, in turn, leads to an increase in bedroom door locks once children gain the gift of mobility.

[5] Replacing intimacy with passion is most men’s goal and most women’s fear. “Why talk? Let’s just have sex.” vs. “Sex again? We need to talk first.” Yay.

[6] Which leads to that age-old battle between those who brush their teeth and those who don’t.

[7] But not a cat.

[8] Or, if you’re married, have sex then talk about it later. Win win.

[9] Quoted from: Parrot & Parrot: Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts