Family Friday

Love Languages: Which One do You Speak?

Have you ever tried to speak to someone who didn’t know English?  Maybe you were in a foreign country or on the phone with someone working overseas?  It didn’t matter how hard you tried, how sincere your intentions were, or how loud you raised your voice, the other person just couldn’t understand what you were saying.  And, that wasn’t going to change until one of you learned another language. Being married can be a lot like that (although, hopefully not as frustrating).  Everyone experiences love in an entirely different way—sometimes so differently that it’s as if we’re married to someone from another country.  And, until you learn to speak their “love language,” you’ll forever frustrate your efforts to show him/her true love.

Step One

The first step to loving your partner is learning another language.  You don’t have to learn Spanish or Italian[1], but you do have to learn the love language spoken by your spouse.  Being sincere isn’t enough if you’re not saying or doing the things your wife or husband values most.  Some husbands buy their wives gifts to show love (because that’s what they’d appreciate) when she’d prefer quality time with him.  Then they’re twice as frustrated when they’re broke AND the wife still feels unloved.  Or, a wife may do little acts of service for her husband (again, because she’d be thrilled if he washed the dishes for her), but what he really values is a good compliment[2] or word of affirmation. Frustrating?  Absolutely.  Easy to overcome?  Yes…if you’re willing to do the work.  Next week I’ll break down all five “love languages” and give you some easy steps for trying out your new linguistic skills.  For now, I want to give you a few pointers for figuring out which language you speak. Here they are, the Five Love Languages[3]:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

What’s Your Language?

Men: before you decide that physical touch is your language, hold on.  Virtually all men like sex[4], but that doesn’t mean it’s their primary language.  If you do not enjoy physical touch at other times—in nonsexual ways—it’s probably not your love language.  The love language is what makes you feel most loved by your spouse.

Chapman suggests three questions for discovering your language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply?
   1. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse?
   1. The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
   1. Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.^[5]

  Answer those three questions in light of the five languages defined above.  Then, ask your spouse to answer them.

Step two:

Come back next week to get practical suggestions for trying out your new skills.

Chime In

What is Your Love Language?  

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[1] Husbands: whispering a few romantic phrases in Italian or French might score you a couple points on the love-o-meter.

[2] Wives: even if your husband’s primary love language is not “Words of Affirmation,” never underestimate the power a well-placed compliment can have on a guy!

[3] These come from the bestselling book by Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, 1992)

[4] I think there are 3 who don’t.

^[5] Gary D. Chapman, The Five Love Languages, 138-39 (Chicago: Northfield Pub., 1992).