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Real Marriage: Week 5 of 8
Intro
· Who takes out the trash in your marriage?
· Trash is sin; sin leads to fighting; fighting leads to grudges; grudges lead to bitterness
· It has to be dealt with b/c marriage either gets better or bitter
o One of the biggest factors as to which way it goes: how you take out the trash
· Too often, we don’t take out the trash
o We live in a house—so, you live in a marriage—with trash up to the rafters!
o Here’s what we do instead: we ride the four housemen of the apocalypse
· John Gottman (predicts divorce with over 80% success rate)
o Criticism—attacking the person, not the problem
§ “You always…You never…”
§ Now, you are pushing the person away rather than drawing them in
§ The point is harming the person rather than fixing the problem
o Contempt—trying to shame and belittle/defeat/control the other person
o Defensiveness—minimizing the sin and your guilt
§ “Of course I’m angry; why wouldn’t I be?” …You made me that way.”
§ Fake apologies: “I’m sorry you are angry.”
§ This is trying to take your fault/guilt out of the situation
o Stonewalling
§ You refuse to engage and attempt to resolve
§ 85% of the time, it’s the man who does this
· When you’re doing this stuff, you go from being 1 to being 2
o You go from being allies to being enemies
· The problem in your marriage is sin
o That is the only problem. It is sin.
o So, the answer to your marriage is Jesus.
· Don’t try to make it more complex than that or more specific than that:
o Well, my husband…Well, my wife…
o Yes: your husband/wife is a sinner; so what did you expect?
· What Jesus wants us to do with sin?
o Repent of it!
o That is how we take out the trash
· This—repentance—is the barrier to happiness in every situation.
o Why? b/c we all sin! Everyone does.
o Sin is the root of all our problems
§ And, your marriage is no different
o So, this message tonight is the answer!
Repentance
Confession (Head)
· Confession is agreeing with God about what you did and admitting that it was wrong
o It’s a mental thing—happens first in your mind and then comes out of your mouth
· Confession is NOT getting caught; it’s coming clean
· It is holding on to no reservations about what you did
o Your mind thinks differently about what you did
· Either the sin is going to come between you, or Jesus is going to come between you!
o Confess your sins to each other, and then Jesus will show up and heal your situation!
Contrition (Heart)
· It is being sorry—emotionally upset about what you did
o You can just tell that this person is really sorry about what they did
· Emotional pain leads to motivation to change it
o It affects our heart
· If you sinned, you should—for a moment—feel bad
o If not, you’re a sociopath
Change (Hands)
· Working to not do it again
o Now, it moves to your hands//your actions
Falling Out of Love or out of Repentance?
· You want to celebrate your 50th anniversary holding hands?
o Then have a relationship of repentance
· Decide that—in your fights—the winner is the first one to apologize and reconcile
· Your marriage—all marriages (!)—are always on a trajectory toward better or bitter
o Bitter comes from a failure to repent and forgive on a regular basis!
Repentance is NOT
1. Getting Caught
a. It’s coming clean
2. Blaming others
a. Blaming others is nothing but a victim mentality
i. It was my mom’s fault; grandma’s, teachers, etc.
b. It’s blaming yourself!
3. It’s not worldly sorrow
a. Worldly sorrow is guilt and condemnation
i. Condemnation leads to a general, “woe is me…I am such an awful person”
ii. No! If you’re a Xn, you’re a forgiven child of God who—at times—makes mistakes
iii. He convicts you with godly sorrow that points to specific changes you need to make
b. It’s godly sorrow, which leads to a deep desire to change
i. Godly sorrow leads to confession, contrition, and change
Conclusion
· Remember that our model in all things is Jesus Christ
o The more we are like Jesus, the more we are like who we need to be
o God made us in his likeness; that is where we experience the most happiness!
§ Later, God came to earth as Jesus to show us what his likeness looks like!
· Repentance leads to reconciliation, right?
o What does Jesus promise to do if we repent? Forgive us!
o So, what should we do when our spouse repents? Forgive them!
o And remember—Jesus offers forgiveness long before we got “perfect” at repentance
Romans 5:8 (NLT)
8 But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Forgiveness is NOT
1. Waiting to be apologized to
a. Many say, “I’ll forgive as soon as they ask me to.”
i. You know what? They may never apologize.
b. So, you can’t judge their motives or just accuse them of a false apology!
i. It means you are leaving them to God’s judgment.
2. A one-time event
a. Don’t be surprise when you forgive your spouse and feel pain again a few days later
3. Downplaying the sin or pretending it never happened
a. You’re not saying, “well, it’s OK.”
b. The truth is, it’s NOT ok; that is precisely why you need to forgive.
c. It’s also not granting them immediate trust again either.
4. Reconciliation
a. It takes one sinner to apologize
b. It takes one victim to forgive
c. It takes two people AND some time to reconcile
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