Real Marriage: Week 2 of 8
Martin Luther’s Story
· On Easter morning, a group Nuns were trying to sneak out of their convent, smuggled in fish barrels
o This was part of a plan put together by the great Martin Luther (1483-1546)
· At the time, the basic teaching of the RCC was that the holiest people were chaste, monastic people
o Through studying the Bible, Luther became convinced that the church’s teaching was in error, so (in response) he wrote “On Monastic Vows”
§ The Bible teaches that men & women are to be fruitful and multiply; marriage is a gift
§ He encouraged priests and nuns to leave their monastic vows and live biblical lives making babies and raising Christian families
o Many took his advice and left those vows
§ Some of those women were nuns living in a German convent who read “On Monastic Vows” and decided it was good and holy to get married and raise families
§ Luther put a plan together where a man delivering food to the convent would smuggle the women out in empty fish barrels
· Most of these women were married off quickly—all but one
Katherine Von Barr
o Nobody would marry her b/c she was unattractive, stubborn, proud
· After a man backed out of their engagement, she demanded that Martin Luther marry her
o Katherine believed that b/c she stepped out on Luther’s call to leave the monastic vows, he now owed her a husband.
o Luther often said, “Good Lord! They will never thrust a wife on me!”
§ He didn’t want to get married.
· Luther proposed to her on June 13, 1525—probably, in part, to get her to leave him alone.
o They were married that same day.
o Martin Luther’s friends wept bitterly
o He said he proposed, “To spite the devil.”
· She got pregnant, which was viewed by many to carry a weird omen
o There was an old German prophecy/old wife’s tale that said the anti-Christ would come from the bride of a renegade priest and a runaway nun
o People were expecting the bride of Chucky!
o They ended up having 3 boys and 3 girls.
· They were a socially awkward couple, having no experience with the opposite sex
· She moved into his “bachelor pad” (old monastery)
o Hundreds of people were always coming and going from their home as a result of the escalating Protestant Reformation
o Luther was a crude, often dirty guy, so he needed lots of help.
§ He would sleep in piles of hay but never changed it.
§ He ate an awful diet, had legendary flatulence, etc.
o She cleaned up his house, threw out a lot of his stuff, planted a garden, changed his diet, made him take care of himself
· Over time, they developed a very intimate friendship
o Wrote letters of endearment to teach other, which we don’t often read or associate with Luther
§ We normally just think of Luther’s writings as railings against the pope
o But, they had a great friendship with lovely letters and an endearing, affectionate tone
§ He had nicknames for her: Lord Katy, dear rib, empress, holy lady, your grace, dear wife
o She had a strong sense of humor and personality to offset his severe bouts of depression
§ Once, she dressed in black (as a mourner) to greet him when he returned from a trip.
§ He asked her, “Who died?”
§ Katy: “Well, if the Great Martin Luther is so depressed, I assume God has died.”
· Their relationship started out with much tension. They didn’t like each other.
o And got even more tense—no attraction to each other at all
o Had more bad things to say than good things
o They got married simply out of obligation b/c he jail broke her out of a convent.
· But, over time, they developed a really great friendship during a time when marriages were mostly functional.
o Martin and Katy’s marriage became one of the most important marriages in the history of the church
· Marriage is about friendship! When you marry, you get a friend with benefits.
o This is so important.
The Importance of Friendship
· John Gottman (predicts divorce with over 80% success rate)
o Says that couples who are not friendly are destined for misery
· It is possible to know everything about marriage theologically and clinically but never become friends
· God said it is not good to be alone, and then his answer was marriage.
o The man had God above him and creation below him, but he had no friend beside him
Friend with Benefits
Fruitful
Genesis 1:28 (NLT)
28 Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”
· The marriage relationship exists to glorify God
· Use your God-glorifying friendship to make the world better by serving God’s Kingdom
o Hannah and I often ask ourselves, “What are we here (DCC//on earth) for?
§ What is our marriage about?”
· Marriages that exist for the glory of God are the happiest;
o Marriages that exist just to accumulate money and stuff and vacations, are miserable.
Reciprocal
· You both need to be equally dedicated to and working on the friendship of your marriage
· Many people say, “My spouse isn’t very friendly.”
o The Bible’s answer: you go first; you be friendly (Prov 18.24)
· When we have a problem in our marriage, often we call our friends, sent out text messages, bring in family members, FB post it, etc.
o But, are you actually talking to your spouse?
· Ask yourself honestly: How good of a friend have you been to your spouse?
· It’s easy to get overwhelmed in marriage:
o Should we work on: budgeting, communication, theology of marriage, family plan, etc…?
§ Where do we start?
o Start with friendship.
§ Everything else will work itself out if the two of you are reciprocating intentional effort to build your friendship.
Things couples say
o “We’ve fallen out of love.”
§ People don’t fall out of love. They fall out of repentance.
§ People say this to abdicate themselves of their responsibility to love their spouse
§ This is to call God a liar, b/c God said we can even love our enemies
· Your spouse is not your enemy. Your Enemy is your enemy.
· Your spouse is your closest ally in your war with the enemy.
o “I just don’t feel love.”
§ God is love. (1 John) God generates feelings of love; we don’t create love.
§ Act your way into feelings instead of feeling you way into action.
o “I just want to follow my heart.”
§ Don’t. Instead, guard your heart. (Prov 4.23;)
§ Often, your heart is wicked and wrong. (Jer 17.9)
· As Christians, we have access to the source of true love—the love of God.
o The fruit of the HS produces (first of all): love. (Gal 5.22)
Intimate
· Lit, “In-to-me-cy”
· Friendship doubles the joy and cuts the grief in half.
Three kinds of marriage
o Back-to-back
§ Hostile, not working on things, pitted against each other, always trying to one-up
o (most marriages are) Shoulder-to-shoulder
§ You’re basically coworkers
§ Often, you start off as friends and move to coworkers
· Dating, then you gotta finish college, pay off loans, buy first home, oh! Now we’re pregnant, have kids, extra bills, get the kids to little league, one of us gets sick, our parents get sick and we gotta take care of them, we lose our job
o Work, work, work like business partners
· A lot of marriage is shoulder-to-shoulder work that you do together, as a team
o But, you have to have more than this to make it a friendship
o Face-to-face
§ This is intimate//eye-to-eye. Focused attention. Put the phone down, turn off the TV.
· Date night, weekends together, 5 Magic Hours, vacations, Bed & Breakfast.
§ Face-to-face is the language of the Bible:
· Gen 32.30, Ex 33.11
· How people build friendship
o Men: we do this shoulder-to-shoulder
§ Guys never say, “We need to go out for coffee, hang out and talk for hours, look eye-to-eye, get to the feelings.”
§ When we describe our friendships, we say: “I played ball with those guys, went to school with those guys, worked with those guys, served in the military with those guys…”
· We did things together. This is how guys build friendships.
o Women build relationships face-to-face.
§ In observing Hannah & her friends (which is a cross cultural experience for me):
· Hannah: “I need girl time…we’re gonna go out…we’re gonna talk…about what? we don’t know…we just need to talk.”
§ Guys don’t do that! We may go to a cage fight together, standing shoulder to shoulder, eating chicken wings.
· After that we think, “That was quality time.”
· Here’s the point:
o Women—build a friendship with your husband shoulder-to-shoulder
o Men—build a friendship with your wife face-to-face
Three levels of communication
· Facts, Opinions, & Feelings
o Facts
§ Most conversations and relationships never leave this area.
§ You can discuss facts with anyone.
o Opinions
§ Few move onto sharing opinions
o Feelings
§ Rarely do friends progress to sharing feelings, but this is where intimate friendship-building occurs.
· Marriages that are face-to-face are enduring and endearing
Enjoyable
· It’s ok to have fun together!
o It’s gonna be a long time, so you might as well fill it with some good memories
Ecclesiastes 9:7–9 (NLT)
7 So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! 8 Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! 9 Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil.
· Life is “hebel” (//fleeting); the book starts out this way, “Life is hebel, hebel…” (הֲבֵל)
o You see your breath/life, and then it’s gone!
o So, have fun!
· Forgive each other’s sins, then
o Get dressed up, go out, each something good, drink something good, have fun!
· If you’re gonna be legalistic about anything, be so about this!
o Have fun, make memories, take photos.
o Relive the photos: “Oh, that was fun. That was hilarious…”
· In all honesty: a big ministry philosophy for me is, “Put the FUN in fundamental.”
o One of God’s attributes is joy and fun. The Christian life should be fun!
Needed
Genesis 2:18 (NLT)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
· Before sin even entered the world, God looked at the man and said he needed a spouse.
o Think about that. You are created as a person who needs a mate.
o Marriage interdependency is God’s idea.
· Communicate how and why you need each other
o Be specific about what you need
o Don’t assume you know what the other person needs
Devoted
· “Some friends are swallow friends. They leave when winter comes.” –Matthew Henry
· Decide now: divorce is not an option.
o We stood before God, friends, family, and told everyone there that we were in this forever!
· Plant the stake of a forever-marriage in your life as one that that will never be negotiable.
o Often, that non-negotiable stake that everything else must revolve around is (instead of a forever marriage) our own personal happiness, “finding ourselves,” self-actualization, etc.
Sanctifying
· Marriage doesn’t change you so much as it reveals you.
o From last week: Marriage magnifies the state it finds you in.
· “I wasn’t like this until I got married.”
o Yes, you were. There were just no witnesses.
· Most divorces happen b/c people think, “I married the wrong person.”
o Nobody thinks, “I am the wrong person.”
· God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy.
o People want to bail on their marriage by saying: “God wants me to be happy!”
§ No, God wants you to be holy!
o You worship a Guy who was betrayed and murdered.
§ He let that happen b/c he wanted to make you holy!
· Pursue holiness and let happiness come from that.
o Find happiness in the holiness.
o People who pursue happiness are often the saddest.
· Realize that your mate is not the only sinner in the marriage.
Conclusion
If I can give you one thing: be friends with each other!