There is a big difference between being “romantic” and being “
hopelessly romantic.”
My wife and I are a pretty romantic couple. We hold hands, kiss, go on dates, have nicknames, etc. I adore her, and I make sure she knows it!
[1] But, we’re not hopelessly romantic. What’s the difference? We don’t write our story into every Jerry McGuire-ish movie we watch, nor are we waiting for Nicholas Sparks to ask us to star in his next unexplainably sad movie.
Too often (once is enough), I see young couples who are hopelessly romantic. Psychologists call it “idealistic distortion.” I call it dumb. They honestly believe they’ve sorted through the 3 gazillion people on the planet and found “the one” person God created them to be with. Now that they’ve discovered their one and only, they can complete each other and live happily ever after
[2].
Ok. Good luck with that.
A-Frame
Meanwhile, back on earth where reality is inescapable, they’re actually walking into an
enmeshed relationship. This means they are so closely tying their existence with each other, that all value, esteem, assurance, and identity comes from the relationship. If one person were to ever let go (even through an involuntary separation, deployment, health problem, etc.), the other one would tumble straight to the ground.
This looks like the letter A. If one side of the A is gone, the other one helplessly falls over. It simply cannot stand on its own. It has no health without the other part of the frame. Complete dependence is the only safety net.
H-Frame
The opposite of an A-frame relationship is the H-frame. These couples are disengaged, standing completely
independent of the other person. Neither side is allowed to affect the other because they have intentionally isolated themselves from the rest of the world. They never cleaved. Separate bank accounts, hidden email addresses, locked doors, and diverging careers characterize an H-frame.
Across different stages of life, couples often compensate for inferiority through complete dependence (A-frame) or total independence (H-frame). Neither is healthy. Neither makes for a long-term relationship. Both are dangerous.
M-Frame
The ideal relationship could be illustrated with the letter M. This is achieved only through
interdependence. Both members are able to stand on their own, but they choose to stand together. They have a healthy view of self, and they use that confidence to nurture the needs of the other person.
Stephen Covey, author of
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, teaches that interdependence (the highest and noblest state of existence) is a state that only truly independent people can achieve. Confident that our identity is in Christ, we are then able to provide/accept mutual support and influence. If the other person lets go (or is taken away), it certainly hurts. But, we’re able to recover balance.
Conclusion
Things change. Phases of life sometimes cause us to lean like an A, or stand strong and tall like an H. However, God’s plan for your marriage is that the two of you (1) find your identity in Him, and then (2) use your identity to nurture and cherish each other.
Chime In
Have you seen your marriage move from an A to an H to an M? Where are you now?
[1] So messing with my girl would be bad for your health.
[2] This is where the Lifetime Movie Network, Hallmark Channel, and Jennifer Anniston have made their millions.
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